"to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love"

5.28.2009

"I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't think that progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm telling you to live in it. Not just endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment. And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could tell you that the grave's a fine private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that's what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it." - Joan Didion

3.22.2009

Mercy versus Justice

Your walking through the woods, and come upon a river. Suddenly you see someone trying to swim out of the river... you go and rescue them... another person comes by and you again rescue them.... more people are coming and you rescue them... this is mercy.
Justice follows the river and finds out who is throwing these people in the river.

What does social justice mean or are we doing social mercy? I don't discount that mercy ain't important. It is, but isn't justice equally or more important? Do we look for just cures to fix the symptoms, or do we look for cures to fix the disease?

I guess lately i've been wondering what i'm going to do or want to do when i'm overseas, or what i'm even doing in life right now... am i just being merciful? or am i also standing up for justice in this world?

1.10.2009

Thankful

As i head into 2009, back at school after a 8 month hiatus, i must say i am thankful. At the beginning of 2008 i went into a situation of uncertainty and despair about school, relationships and myself. I was complaining a lot about 2007 stuff and focused on how a lot of things fell apart that year. I'm not saying 2008 has been all rosey either, there were trials and failures, car accidents, cars going missing and friendships that may take a long time to recover, but that's life and it's not something to wallow in a pity party over.

I look back at 2008 and am so thankful for all the life that happened. I fell apart. And i got picked up. I lost a car (and i actually thought i misplaced it for a few days). And i was blessed with a car. I found out where God was calling me specifically. I found someone who makes me want to be my age, myself and makes me a better person, to strangers and to the people i know already. I met so many new people this year. Made so many deep friendships, meaningful ones. I realized i need to be more humble and less cocky.. i knew it... instead of accepting it, i hope i've been taking the steps to make it. I learned the value of being thankful to God in what i'm doing everyday. I got to go on vacation, for the first time since i don't know when. I got to be on TV (and by be on TV, i look awkward on TV). I moved to Vancouver from Calgary. I had great fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ and not just one church family but two. I fell in love. I chose forgiveness. I learned a lot about God's charachter and realized how far from it i am, and how much more i have to go.

In thinking about this next half in my walk with God i realized in talking to Pastor Dan in July, that the first half was about cutting out the fat in my life... this half is about filing down the parts and edges. In reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book Cost of Discipleship recently, I found myself relating to a part in the fourth chapter. In the passage in Mark 8:31-38, Jesus is revealing Himself as the Messiah as well as what the Messiah must go through. In verse 29 Peter has already confessed that Jesus is the Christ. It is halfway on the road of discipleship for the disciples, yet Jesus gives them a choice again. As Bonhoeffer puts it "When halfway along the road of discipleship, they come to another crossroads. Once more they are left free to choose for themselves, nothing is expected of them, nothing is forced upon them. So crucial is the present hour that the disciples must be left free to make their own choice before they are told of the law of discipleship." I've come to a point where I've had to make a choice after my first half of schooling to go on, or whether to hang up and live a life that doesn't bear the full burden of the cross that is set out in front of me. It is my intention to pick up that cross and carry the full burden that comes with it. I hope that this time will prepare me for a life serving those in Africa that God has placed a burden in my heart for. That during this half of my schooling God will fully prepare me for life or death over there.

In this new year i really hope to be less arrogant, be less cocky, be less proud. I really hope that those that are close to me can help me with this, call me out on it, and remind me that i've asked you to do this. I hope that i can stay focused on school... not just for schools sake but for preparation for the mission field. I hope that i've grown up, and that i continue to. I hope to remain thankful for the good and the bad in 2009.

11.15.2008

To One Who's Heart Broke (Destiny) - written oct.1

there's something about how the heart view's words,
that make you see the sights understood by birds,
where letters put together in iambic time,
or words sought out together rhyme.

where hearts break, after joy comes sorrow,
and tears dawn makes of hope tomorrow.
where the folly of man's choices, meets fate's strings,
and in her voice, we listen as Wisdom she sings.

to live behind we can hope to break through,
and come about with regret new.
not until the end will we know if right the choice,
for in this life to seek God's voice.

6.15.2008

I Lie

verse 1
she said hello goodbye to yesterday,
she ran away so far she's gone away,
can't find the words, she try's, she's looking for.
it's left behind, too far, her heart on the floor...

prechorus
cry yourself to sleep,
tommorw you'll have it beat
wish for dreams to keep
you standing on your feet...

chorus
i don't wanna say goodbye
but everytime i say i cry
so much of my heart we tried
but anymore i lie.

verse 2
he said hello goodbye to yesterday
he tried to find the words she wants him to say
inside, outside, searching for a way and more
it's left behind, too far, his heart behind door..

prechorus 2
cry yourself to sleep
dream of angels there to keep
hope for chance to meet
you standing on your feet

chorus 2
i don't wanna say goodbye
and everytime i say i cry
i know my heart so much i tried
and anymore i lie."

4.21.2008

Gathering Thoughts

I don't know where my life has gotten to. I don't know sometimes how i make it through a day. I question my own abilities and I question my own abilities and my own choices i've made the last few years. I don't doubt my calling, I doubt whether or not I am doing enough to follow it. I know there are times i struggle with it, and maybe all the difficulties the last few years have stemmed out of that. I know that God has afforded me grace, and i don't know if I can keep going. There are only a few days left for me to finish off this semester and i don't know if i'll finish off well. I truly am beat up by this process. The straw that broke this camel's proverbial back happened about a month ago... and i don't think i've recovered. I'm a shell of who i was and i don't really know who i am. I've been sick and i've been healed. I've been poor and i've been given what's needed. I've had what little i have been taken away and i've been blessed with so much. I've had so much sorrow and experienced so much joy. There has been a lot of rain and there has been sunshine. I feel like a yo yo and it's been tiring trying to live in grace everyday. but i guess everyday is grace.

why do i do this? am i making a difference in the world? i look around at the world and sometimes i don't feel like i'm bringing the kingdom of God to the world by going to school here... i don't feel like i'm even making an impact on anyone. Maybe that's my question of why i'm here or not... the suffering is only worth it, not for the benefit of my own character building... that doesn't matter to me. The suffering is only worth it if it brings glory to God... if it brings even the smallest piece of the kingdom of God to those around me. It's never really about me... maybe that's why i never get an answer that suits me when i complain (and i do complain a lot) about everything. I'm sick of hearing that it's building character, it might comfort others but i don't care so much about the benefit for myself as i do about the impact that i have in helping people just be better, to feel loved and experience something bigger than anything on this earth or the stars in the sky. Just some thoughts of my heart... don't know what else to think... it's a mess in my head and it's a mess in my heart.

4.10.2008

I Heart Revolution

"And this is what will decide whether we're a part of generation of hype and good intentions - who sung the songs and talked about making a difference but with little action.. Or whether we can truly say we were a part of global revolution.. A movement of passionate people who laid down our own personal agendas for the good of others and the cause of Christ.." - Joel Houston

We are called to be disciples of Christ. It's not just about going to church. It's about being the church. It's not just about preaching the word of God to the world. It's about living the word of God out to the world. It's not about serving ourselves. It's about serving others. It's not about how much we make. It's how much we give. It's not about how much is too much without causing us or our loved ones to suffer. It's how much we'll suffer to alleviate another's suffering.

"The way you treat people, the way you live, and the music you make are all conversations with God. Broaden your idea of what prayer can be." -Talib Kwelli

Let our lives be a prayer, and not just words.

10.02.2007

Just A Thought

I was asked this week about whether i knew if someone was going to church. It struck me that this question is asked so often. I responded by saying that the person now attends bedside baptist, which is true.. (oh bedside baptist i so enjoy your worship services). Seriously though when the person understood what i meant (and it did take awhile -- for those who haven't caught on bedside baptist's worship service includes a pillow and a blanket), they had this kinda 'oh... that person is so lost look on their face'. It got me thinking about when i was away at church did people give me that look. Then i thought more about why we ask if a person is going to church and then we decide to pray that they go back to church. If church only happens on sunday somethings wrong, because maybe our concept of church is a building... and that's just whack. Church is suppose to be the fellowship or a community of Christ followers. To me if your asking me if i've seen this person, then maybe there's a reason they aren't going to church, because maybe church (as the institution/building/structure) isn't doing what Church should be. Maybe rather than asking, we should pick up the phone, grab a coffee, dinner, wings and beer and bring Church to people we miss. Maybe before we ask if someone else has seen another person, we start being Church. Just a thought.

8.01.2007

Forgetting...

I was having this conversation with a friend the other day. She was a little disturbed about certain things of the occult and wondered how the devil could demonstrate his power in such a way with things like ouija boards. And how come God chooses not to. Well it got me thinking a bit... how does satan really demonstrate his power? satan decides to spell out an answer one letter at a time. i dunno but i've seen 5 year olds do the same things, and chimps probably too. not as great a power as we think -- probably why he's got that nickname 'great deceiver'.

Back to my point, forgetting. The question of what God does to show HIS power. As our conversation went on... we started talking about taking things for granted. Maybe we see God's power all the time... that it's just normal. It's the history of the bible. In the Old Testament it talks about the Israelite people and how they always seemed to forget the commandments and the covenants that they people had with God. It seemed every 70 years they'd forget and every 70 years there would be another judge. And then there's the story about King David, who wanted to do right and bring back the ark of the covenant but when he transports it.. it slips and Uzzah reaches out to make sure it doesn't fall (it is God's home after all) and for it, Uzzah dies instantly. That doesn't really seem that fair now does it? But later on you read on about the special instructions that David hadn't looked at or for that matter even remembered, in the way to move the Ark. Though the scrolls were right there at his disposal.

And yet we go on day to day, looking and waiting to see God form a miracle, maybe a potato chip that looks like Jesus or a statue bleeding or someone who survives tragedy through insurmountable odds because of faith. I'm not saying God won't speak through it.. but i do wonder if we have to wait for these signs. Maybe we need most to look at the bible daily as our reminder of God. Maybe that's why we should be doing our devos. Let's forget about ourself as the reason ie. we want to be better Christians so that's why we do devotions and pray and fast and journaling. or it's for our own spiritual well being that's why we do it. You know those maybe results for doing devotions, fasting, praying, journaling, but i don't think they are reasons... no wonder we falter so much with our personal spiritual life. Why not look at it as for God and not ourselves. It's about remembering God and seeing the power in which He has demonstrated. It's about not forgetting the one who makes us and everything around.

"Taste and See that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him" Psalm 34:8

7.16.2007

The World Spins Madly On

We talk and preach about the dangers of busyness… and for the most part we strive to allow ourselves time to invest in the pursuit of things outside the work life. Yet even in doing things within the church, we get caught up in the programs. I'm not saying that these are not good things to pursue… they are… but what is most important in building a church? Is it the building? Is it the programs? Is it Sundays? Is it the time I spend at seminary? I think we've made church that. We program our programs to attract people. We try to find ways to increase church attendance and we set goals for it. I feel sometimes like I'm working at the bank again. We teach this culture. Does it even matter? What about the people?

It's a common theme that's been coming up this week for me. The church is people. Everything we plan, all the buildings we build… we say it's for the people to attract the people. But isn't church more… maybe we don't need the buildings and programs to church. Isn't every day the church? Isn't every interaction with anyone the church?

I confess that I'm realizing the importance of people, and I hate to admit it takes the loss of someone to make you realize how busy our lives are and the things we do… the "we'll do lunch later…when your free"… the "we should hang out sometime". We really do mean to do it… but one night you close your eyes, and the next day the whole world is different. Maybe that person isn't there anymore. Maybe you aren't. We really don't know what happens tomorrow, we might be sure that someone lives a normal life, free of major risks… until the moment life turns itself upside down… in a heartbeat… because everything is uncertain. It makes you rethink how busy you are.

Jesus was busy… he had crowds following him. There's a story in the bible… it's about a little girl that's dying… Jesus is going to see her, and people recognize the busyness of him… one lady who's been just suffering for years doesn't even want to disturb Christ, she just wants to touch His cloak so the pain can stop… and then Jesus stops… He's rushed to save the life of little girl and He just stops. And He addresses the crowd, "Who just touched my robe?" and then He addressed the women for her faith. By the time He got to the little girls house, she was said to be dead. Jesus saying "trust me she isn't... she's just sleeping."….

I know this story is about faith but every time I read the gospels I hardly get the sense that Jesus was too busy for people. I see him attending wedding banquets, eating with people (didn't matter who… from Pharisees to those who weren't desired in society), Adulteress at wells, lepers… how busy are we for people? I think I need to change the way I'm looking at church… the programs are good, the buildings are blessings… but beyond them it's the people. Goodbye Nathan… I'm sorry we didn't get the chance to do lunch as we planned for in September. God bless and God speed bro.

"and everything I said I'd do,

like make the world brand new,

and take the time for you

just got lost and slept right through the dawn,

and the world spins madly on" (World Spins Madly - The Weepies)